Stupid Hawke, Selfless Hawke
by CaptainTeror16
Summary: Isabela's reaction to Varrics letter after Hawke gets left in the Fade


**Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this story. I might make it longer, maybe have Isabela return to Kirkwall to see how the others are handling Hawke's death. Let me know how you guys like it and thanks for reading.**

* * *

Isabela could not stop running her eyes over the letter from Varric. She didn't believe it. No, she _couldn't_ believe it. But then again this was Hawke she was talking about, the selfless bastard that was the love of her life.

Hawke was always giving up everything to save someone else. She saved Isabela from the Arishok, gave up almost everything to save Kirkwall and the mages and now gave up her life to save the inquisitor. She had scars all over her body from picking up other people's messes. Her biggest scar being from Isabela's mistake. Stupid Hawke. Selfless Hawke. Always saving the undeserving.

Isabela wondered briefly if she should go to the inquisitions base to be with Varric but quickly decided against it, they weren't the type to hug and cry into each other's arms over a loss. They lifted themselves up and figured out how to live with the absence.

Even still, Isabela couldn't help but wonder how he was handling it. While Hawke had many companions, Varric and she were by far the ones Hawke was closest too.

Her eyes focused on the words so carefully written on the parchment again. She still couldn't believe that this was real as she sat in her captain's quarters where Hawke and she had shared their last moments together. She stared at the parchment until the words were burned into her eyes, buzzing in her brain.

 _I'm so sorry, Isabela. So sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry._

The words written on the parchment were all over the place and she knew that Varric had had trouble writing the words, a skill he was usually so perfected in. The multiple times he apologized only helped Isabela understand how real this was. How real that Hawke was never coming back. How she would never give her that lopsided smile and tell her some horrible joke that could somehow still make Isabela laugh until her stomach hurt. Those piercing blue eyes of hers would never light up the room again. She would never again catch Isabela cheating at cards and Isabela's head would never rest on her shoulder again as they watch the sun go down from the deck of their ship.

All of these thoughts came to Isabela at once. How many things she had lost by losing Hawke. And then Isabela was screaming. Cursing Hawke with every word she knew. The room was a blur of whiskey, jewelry and glass as she threw anything she could get her hands on at the walls of her ship. The ship in a bottle that Hawke had given her what seemed like a lifetime ago shattered and fell to the ground, along with Isabela herself who was clamping a hand over her mouth.

She knew that her crew most likely heard her outburst but they knew better than to come rushing in here. Isabela felt tears running down her cheeks and knew that her crew could probably hear her sobs but in that moment, Isabela couldn't think of anything else other than the growing absence inside her. Hawke was gone.

* * *

Isabela cried for what seemed like hours until she was finally able to stand without shaking. She slowly made the journey over to her bed where she climbed under the covers, fully clothed and too exhausted to change into anything more comfortable. She tasted the familiar copper taste in her mouth where she must have bit her hand too hard when trying to silent her sobs.

This was the bed that they had shared before Hawke had to leave. Isabela had told Hawke that she had understood why Hawke had to go and she did, but that didn't mean that the selfish side of her wasn't angry at Hawke for leaving. Isabela was selfish and Hawke was not. Isabela was still alive and Hawke was not.

Isabela took a shaky breath before rolling over and facing the empty side of the bed. _Hawke's side._ Hawke would never know this but Isabela had trained herself to sleep on the right side of the bed because she knew how much Hawke liked the left side. She had done this even before she knew that she had loved the warrior.

As Isabela stared at the empty pillow, her mind fluttered to the last night they had spent together.

" _You can have some fun while I'm gone," Hawke grinned down at her, their naked bodies entangled. "I know how much you hate being tied down," She added as she kissed her sweaty forehead. They had just had amazing sex and Isabela was sure the whole crew knew it._

" _And besides," Hawke started before Isabela could answer her, "I'll be back to annoy you some more in no time. You know that's my favourite thing to do," She said as she gave that lopsided grin of hers. Her eyes were so piercing that they always plowed right through to Isabela's heart._

" _Is that why you're leaving?" Isabela asked as she raised an eyebrow. "To annoy me?" She added as she stroked Hawke's unskillfully cut hair. During their days at sea, Hawke's hair had grown dreadfully long and Isabela had tried her best with the knife that she had but she was no hairdresser. Her own hair would be a mess if she didn't have the bandana to tie it down._

" _That and the whole 'the worlds ending' thing," Hawke grinned as she planted a sloppy kiss on her lips. A gentle kiss. The kind that Isabela had only ever shared with Hawke._

" _You've done your part in saving the world. Let the amateurs handle it for now," Isabela replied which had made Hawke's smile falter. Isabela knew that Hawke felt guilty for leaving her and she wasn't going to make it any easier._

" _How about we have some fun while you're still here?" Isabela whispered as she climbed on top of her lover, knees on either side of her hips. "Maker knows you won't be getting any while you're gone. Not with your dreadful pickup lines," Isabela grinned as she ran her hand skillfully down Hawke's torso, pausing slightly at the long scar that the Arishok had so gracefully given her._

" _Afraid of my lady bits falling off?" Hawke laughed that laugh that shook Isabela to the bone. Only Hawkes laugh could do that to her and it was always better when Isabela had been the reason that the laugh had been produced._

 _Instead of replying, Isabela smashed her lips into Hawke's, not wanting to lose the familiar taste of her lips._


End file.
